I was reading an article on psychology today. The author started with the alarming news: “Marriage is dead! [Alarming because if you are the average folk, you would think that marriage should be certain in a sea- life- of uncertainty. Certainty helps keep you sane.]
Briefly, the author wrote that the concept of having a soul mate has raisen our expectations of our partners, and thus aggravated divorce rates. The author compared this to the traditional model of “father who brings home the bacon” and “mother who bears and raises the kids”. In other words, people in the past marry for practical reasons; people of today marry for the impossible concept of perfect love. The article seemed to ring a whiny tone, lamenting the low divorce rates of the not-too-distant-past. Obviously advocating for something our gahmen would like- the agenda is glaring in my face.
The article continued to write of the benefits of being hitched and segregated these benefits according to gender: Marriage gives financially stability to women particularly; married men live longer and both genders are satisfied with sex (simply because there ain’t anyone else you can compare with when you are in a monogamous relationship).
And then the author wrote this… that in our quest of the perfect one, we tend to be not as committed as we should be. One foot in and one foot at the door “just in case Ms Right is not the one i am with.” And hence, you get broken marriages and broken homes. Ta-da: the concept of soul mate is thus disastrous!
There’s only one major problem i see with this:
A soul mate does not equate the perfect one.
The author described the soul mate as:
“… the man or woman who will counter our weaknesses, amplify our strengths and provide the unflagging support and respect that is the essence of a contemporary relationship.”
My question is- what’s so wrong with that?
Benchmarks exist whether you hit them or not. Just because we cannot have a litter-free Singapore doesn’t mean we don’t encourage people to be clean and responsible with their trash. Being clean and green is an ideal that not even one country can be completely so to the T.
If you want respect, you give respect. [This is not even for discussion okay?!]
Respecting one another helps make a common platform, a relationship in equilibrium. It’s a pre-requisite.
And you support one another in a relationship. [You mean we have to discuss this too!?]
Imagine if you come home to your partner all beaming because of a promotion and she threw a wet blanket over you. And she’s persistently the shower with a faulty water-heater… If voicing your bruised feelings tactfully and openly does nothing to improve her way, perhaps it’s time you get yourself out of hell-hole. Face it- she doesn’t even love you.
Encouraging one another (in times of weakness), giving compliments where compliments are due (compliments have a (in)direct effect of making you do better), constructive criticism (for improvement or an objective third party view)- these basic features of a healthy communication pattern in relationships are attributes that soulmates got to possess. [It struck me that the author gave this example: that men live longer probably because their wives encourage them to eat their greens (live a healthier lifestyle that is). Gee.. isn't this "countering weaknesses" in a way?]
And we are all capable of the above- most times anyway.
I think what’s important is recognizing that your partner is HUMAN. That means- subject to the occasional mistake.
But you can’t pass on all mistakes.
If your partner has been cheating on you umpteen times, drop her. Or you are stupid/a sucker/a loser. Period. [Okay, maybe you have issues...]
Another problem, albeit a minor one:
Women of today ain’t women of yesterday. Trust me, as women get increasingly educated and employed in various sectors, that financial advantage you see in calculations of yester-years will vanish… like fluff in the wind.
So… what did you say is wrong with seeking a soul-mate again?
