I happened to be reading on attachment styles (which are formed in childhood and remains fairly constant throughout adulthood) when i chanced upon this:
Attachment styles & break-ups responses
There are 3 kinds of attachment styles mentioned.
1. Secure
2. Anxious
3. Avoidant
Quickly…
Children who felt that their caretakers empathize with them become secure in their attachment; children who felt neglected and ignored become avoidant; children who found their parents unpredictable (changing from tenderness to wrath) become anxious and insecure.
Secure partners come to their relationships expecting good things: that their partners will be there for them as a source of support during bad times, just as they can be there for their partners. They see themselves as worthy of concern, care and affection and others as accessible, reliable and having good intentions towards them. Their relationships tend to be intimate and trusting. Anxious partners tend to worry about their partners’ love and whether their partners will remain with them. Their need for reassurance may drive their partners away. Anxious partners tend to see themselves as unworthy of love though they have a tendency to idealize their romantic partners. Avoidant partners are uncomfortable being emotionally close. They find it difficult to trust or share their feelings. They suppress their distressed feelings and expect their partners to be emotionally unreliable, therefore they find intimate relationships unpleasant. Avoidant partners are most likely to engage in one-night-stands among all attachment styles.
The neural basis: (it’s all in your brain)
Each of the styles consists of a specific pattern in the brain’s attachment system. Differences are most distinct dring disturbing moments e.g. in argument, when ruminating about a tiff or getting preoccupied with a breakup with a romantic partner.
The tendency of anxious partners to overworry, as when one is afraid of losing a partner, lit up the anterior temporal pole, which is activated during sadness; the anterior cingulate, where emotions flare; and the hippocampus (memory). Anxious partners cannot shut down this activation even when they want to. This neural pattern is specific to relationships and does not generalize to fears, for they are able to shut off other kinds of worries. [Distraction doesn't work well.]
Avoidant partners, on the other hand, had an area in the cingulate that is activated when they suppress distressed thoughts. Just as anxious partners could not stop their worry; avoidant partners cannot stop their suppression of distress. Some degree of anxiety is required for true emotional intimacy.
Secure partners are able to shut down their anterior temporal pole when they turn their thoughts to other things. [Distraction works here.] They actively switch on their orbitofrontal cortex to alleviate the distress from the anterior temporal pole.
Because attachment styles are not genetic, they are malleable to some extent. Understanding partners may be able to accommodate, within limits.- Daniel Goleman, Webs of attachment, Social Intelligence.
